im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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