So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
