so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
