WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
