3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
