I can tuck mytits in my pants
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
