He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
