Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
