Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
