Porn is love you can see.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
