ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
