My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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