My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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