I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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