as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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