My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
