There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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