There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
