I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
