after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
