just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
