Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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