I CAN MOONWALK!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
