I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
