Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
