i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im six kinds of drunk right now
accomplished twins. life is a go
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
