Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
