We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
