i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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