who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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