so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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