I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
