Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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