I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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