Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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