Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
