I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
