Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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