Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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