look no pants
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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