im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
