On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Four minutes until I can fart!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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