Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize