As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
