I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
