that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
