I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Floor bacon is actually really good
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
