Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
