Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
why do cheetos always look like penises
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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