I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
