Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
