Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
