i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
