She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
