He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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