I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
