I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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