I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
