she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
