my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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