You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
