Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
