how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
