Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
