I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
