I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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