made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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