Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
