The maid of honor just puked.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up under a house in Key West
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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