So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
